"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
