i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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