She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
