If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
