So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
