omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
