i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
