the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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