is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
