dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
