Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
