I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
