I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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