every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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