My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
