I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
