There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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