hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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