I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
