Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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