They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
