K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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