I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
