im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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