She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
