just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
