he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
