What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
