I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I pour the whiskey from now on
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
