So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Randomize
