Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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