My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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