I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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