Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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