plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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