allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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