I'm pants shitting drunk right now
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
