Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
