Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
