There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
