i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
