Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
