I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
