There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I looked at my own cervix.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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