I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
