my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I AM VODKA MAN
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Randomize
