My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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