Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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