I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
