I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
